That last bit confirmed another thing for Mitsuhide. It was grief and guilt. Survivor's guilt to be exact. He seen it many times with victims of war. It made him wonder what could have happened to her to make her feel that way.
He frowned some, and, with some maneuvering managed to get on her branch with her in his lap. He made sure not to touch her wings as he had one arm around her waist while his other went back to soothingly stroking her hair.
"You are worth it, so stop saying that you aren't." It was a gentle scold, but one she needed to hear. "Now tell me what you mean by you being the last one."
He hit it right on the nose. That what she is going through is both grief and Survivor's guilt.
Leanne didn't really care anymore if he was nearby or not, nor did she feel him moving to her branch and placing her on his lap. It was odd... Just how comforting his presence was. From the way he was holding her, being careful with her wings, to the soothing hair stroking.
".... No... If you knew..." Her sins, everything she has done before they were stolen from her. "Exactly what I mean... I am the last one... The last of my kind... The last Heron."
Ah... Mitsuhide could only imagine how lonely she must had felt. He had lost his clan home, his lord, and several members of his family when he was younger, but that was nothing compared to being the last of your kind. He still had kin out there, though he would rather keep those at a distance.
"And you feel guilty about that." He stated it as a fact, as he continue to stroke her hair. "No one should ever feel guilty about their survival or wanting to live. What happened exactly?" He needed to know what happened to the other Herons to get an idea why she would feel guilty about being the lone survivor.
It was hell, the loneliness couldn't ever be put into words and there was always a longing to reunite with lost family.
"But there were far better choices than this one to be the one to live." She shakes her head. "Humans... they took joy, a great joy in slaughter everyone.... No one was spared, not even nestlings or a mere babe."
This... This was hard. Hard to get through.
"I was just weaned off of my mother when it happened. My mother and sisters.... they all died to hide me away from the ones who were attacking."
Mitsuhide's arm tightened around a little bit at that. No wonder she was afraid of him when they first met! It wasn't just because he was a stranger. It was because he was human. After hearing that her people were slaughtered by humans, he really couldn't blame her for having such fear. It also explained why she avoided the city and stayed in seclusion in the forest.
"So you were a child." And a small child by the sounds of it. "A child who had a family who clearly loved you if they would make such a sacrifice in order to protect and insure your survival. Think, Leanne. Their choice to save you was not made with logic but with love. Mourn their loss, but do not insult their sacrifice by tearing yourself down. I doubt that they would have wanted that for you."
She feels his arm tightening around her. It was hard not to when he was already holding her so close. How long has she put her guard down around him? How long ago that his presence made her feel relaxed and comforted? But still... He was a human and was a part of those who destroyed her people and home.
"And I can still see it all happening, whenever I close my eyes." She just speaks softly and quietly. "... I miss them and I do want to be with them.... But..." She goes to shake her head. "Even so... I did not deserve such a sacrifice. Any of my siblings would have made a much better choice than this one."
"Most trauma like that never fully goes away. It just becomes more bearable." He knew this for a fact not just from his own experiences, but also from what other survivors and victims have told him as well. "Talking about it does help. Especially if it's with someone you trust." He had only confined with his closest vassals. Only they knew what he went through in the past.
He went back to stroking her hair, trying to soothe her more. "Now, now. I just told you to stop insulting their sacrifice by tearing yourself down. You said you were just weaned, so I'm assuming that means you are the youngest? Then it would make sense for them to put some much effort to save you. It was to keep your life from being cut short when it barely just begun. They wanted to give you a chance to live. So live, so that their memory could also continue on living as well."
"Never goes away..." She just goes to mumble before shaking her head at the other suggestion. "That... It is this one's burden and hers alone. I don't want or need any pity..."
The hair stroking... it really shouldn't be as soothing and comforting as it is. She was about to protest again but stopped as she couldnt will herself to fight against him. "Yes, I was the youngest out of my siblings. I do live... my life is not my own but it is for them... so they would never be forgotten..."
"It's not pity that you will receive. Most of the time, you will receive sympathy and empathy. You will be surprised how many have also suffered a great loss as well." Then a thought came to mind and he had to quickly add in. "Do not take that as an invite to start comparing your loss to others, and that yours is small compared to others'." He knew how she would tend to bring herself down in order to make her feel unworthy of comfort.
"Are you really living, little one?" he asked. "From the looks of it, you are only existing."
"... I do not need those as well... I have to be strong. It is mine alone..." She blinks at his words and just how quickly he goes to add in the the thought. So fast that before she could stop herself, a giggle leaves her. "But it would be true."
At his question, a small sigh leaves her. "For myself yes... For them... I am living."
Mitsuhide shook his head some. "Comparing your experiences to those of others doesn't make sense. It's like comparing an apple to an orange. They both taste different, but that doesn't mean that one is better than the other."
He gave a small sigh. "You cannot live for them if you are not living for yourself. Shutting yourself in is doing them a disservice."
"Even if it is comparing to such fruit, it is what I must do. It is what we Herons do, comfort others even if we may need the comfort. We must be strong for others."
She goes to sigh as well, allowing a few tears to fall from her eyes. "But I must be the perfect Heron, the perfect female."
Mitsuhide gently reached up and caught her tears with a finger, effectively wiping them away. "I can't imagine anyone being effective at comforting others if they themselves refuse such a thing when they need it the most. Taking comfort is not a sign of weakness, little one. It's a sign of being alive."
He places a light kiss at the top of her head. "No one is asking you to be perfect. Especially not here in Avalon. In fact, I think imperfections are what makes someone beautiful. It gives them a very endearing quality."
It felt a little surreal, to see a finger that isn't her own catching her tears and also being comforted like this. "Then you have never met a Heron before, at least none before me." A small sigh. "While it is true, Mitsuhide... This one... This one cannot be selfish and ask of such things."
The kiss on the top of her head and she couldn't help but to let more tears fall. Why was he breaking through her defenses so easily?!
"But... I have to be... I am not allowed... Their deaths. Why am I the only one?"
"You are not being selfish if there is one here who is willing to give comfort to you without being asked." Though he wasn't sure what to think about the Heron culture if it caused Leanne to tear herself down so much. It reminded him of some of the Buddist sects that were again Nobunaga.
"I cannot answer to why you are the only one. I just know that they saved you simply because they loved you. For them, you need to learn to love yourself as well."
She shouldn't accept this comfort. She doesn't deserve such comforts. "But... It is still...." She was losing the willpower to keep the argument up. Numb, her whole being feels numb due to letting nearly everything out. Heron culture was the best culture, she is just trying to overdo it due to guilt.
"But... I don't deserve such a sacrifice or great act of love...."
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He frowned some, and, with some maneuvering managed to get on her branch with her in his lap. He made sure not to touch her wings as he had one arm around her waist while his other went back to soothingly stroking her hair.
"You are worth it, so stop saying that you aren't." It was a gentle scold, but one she needed to hear. "Now tell me what you mean by you being the last one."
no subject
Leanne didn't really care anymore if he was nearby or not, nor did she feel him moving to her branch and placing her on his lap. It was odd... Just how comforting his presence was. From the way he was holding her, being careful with her wings, to the soothing hair stroking.
".... No... If you knew..." Her sins, everything she has done before they were stolen from her. "Exactly what I mean... I am the last one... The last of my kind... The last Heron."
no subject
"And you feel guilty about that." He stated it as a fact, as he continue to stroke her hair. "No one should ever feel guilty about their survival or wanting to live. What happened exactly?" He needed to know what happened to the other Herons to get an idea why she would feel guilty about being the lone survivor.
CW; Mentioning of genocide
"But there were far better choices than this one to be the one to live." She shakes her head. "Humans... they took joy, a great joy in slaughter everyone.... No one was spared, not even nestlings or a mere babe."
This... This was hard. Hard to get through.
"I was just weaned off of my mother when it happened. My mother and sisters.... they all died to hide me away from the ones who were attacking."
no subject
"So you were a child." And a small child by the sounds of it. "A child who had a family who clearly loved you if they would make such a sacrifice in order to protect and insure your survival. Think, Leanne. Their choice to save you was not made with logic but with love. Mourn their loss, but do not insult their sacrifice by tearing yourself down. I doubt that they would have wanted that for you."
no subject
"And I can still see it all happening, whenever I close my eyes." She just speaks softly and quietly. "... I miss them and I do want to be with them.... But..." She goes to shake her head. "Even so... I did not deserve such a sacrifice. Any of my siblings would have made a much better choice than this one."
no subject
He went back to stroking her hair, trying to soothe her more. "Now, now. I just told you to stop insulting their sacrifice by tearing yourself down. You said you were just weaned, so I'm assuming that means you are the youngest? Then it would make sense for them to put some much effort to save you. It was to keep your life from being cut short when it barely just begun. They wanted to give you a chance to live. So live, so that their memory could also continue on living as well."
no subject
The hair stroking... it really shouldn't be as soothing and comforting as it is. She was about to protest again but stopped as she couldnt will herself to fight against him. "Yes, I was the youngest out of my siblings. I do live... my life is not my own but it is for them... so they would never be forgotten..."
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"Are you really living, little one?" he asked. "From the looks of it, you are only existing."
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At his question, a small sigh leaves her. "For myself yes... For them... I am living."
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He gave a small sigh. "You cannot live for them if you are not living for yourself. Shutting yourself in is doing them a disservice."
SHHHH!!! THIS ISN'T LATE!
She goes to sigh as well, allowing a few tears to fall from her eyes. "But I must be the perfect Heron, the perfect female."
Totes late!
He places a light kiss at the top of her head. "No one is asking you to be perfect. Especially not here in Avalon. In fact, I think imperfections are what makes someone beautiful. It gives them a very endearing quality."
So so totes late!
The kiss on the top of her head and she couldn't help but to let more tears fall. Why was he breaking through her defenses so easily?!
"But... I have to be... I am not allowed... Their deaths. Why am I the only one?"
no subject
"I cannot answer to why you are the only one. I just know that they saved you simply because they loved you. For them, you need to learn to love yourself as well."
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"But... I don't deserve such a sacrifice or great act of love...."